Metanoia is a Greek word that translates to “Change of Mind”, used many times in the New Testament. Thought to translate as “repentance”, though not as a practice fueled by guilt or shame, but literally to “change our direction”.
As many of you who follow my blog know, I have been transitioning through a very difficult time in my life. The last 5 months have been a smorgasbord of emotions and anxieties. I offer my heartfelt thanks and blessings to everyone who has reached out to offer their love and support as I move through this challenging phase of my life.
I feel now that I am beginning to return to a space within where I can confidently formulate coherent thoughts around what exactly I am experiencing; and perhaps more importantly, why I’m experiencing it.
I admit that the initial shock jolted me so far from my comfort zone, that I truly believed I would not survive. That there was no way I could make it back to shore. The waves seemed too high; the water too deep and cold. It was hard to catch my breathe, and bear the undertow of my sadness and depression.
But here I am; with a renewed faith in life [meaning, a renewed sense of safety in the goodness of God]. I am not completely out of the woods, but I feel as if there is a presence of care surrounding my life now that even in the face of uncertainty in regards to where I will live and what I will do, that I am safe.
To take from Evelyn Whitell, I remain Lovingly in the Hands of the Father.
And the key element, I believe, to this “change of direction” was my willingness; my openness, to change my mind.
Or perhaps, to have my mind changed.
Initially, my circumstances provided the perfect opportunity for my ego to rise up and take charge, interpreting and defining the meaning behind what was happening. It confounded my capacity to be still, filling my mind with mad ramblings of relational mutiny, abandonment, and deception. All of which, in concert, gave birth to a mentality of victim hood.
And as we know, victim hood puts all responsibility for suffering on the “other”, which merely gives our power to choose differently away and ultimately deadening our capacity to draw a solution from the problem.
I’ve been at this “game” long enough to recognize when something is not working. (Though, I must obviously admit that my “vision” to see my marriage not working eluded me), and so I had to reach deep down, swallow my self-loathing and other-hating, and take a stand against the abyss I felt I was falling into.
That stand took the form of “accepting my function as a healer”. The theme of healing had been encircling my experience; either in conversation, or being faced with opportunities to provide a healing space for another. In any case, I knew that if I am too fulfill my function, I would need to accept healing for myself. And to embark on the journey of healing, properly, one must begin with the decision to stop hurting themselves.
So how was I hurting myself?
I was allowing my mind to be run by an “uninvited guest”.
It was time to evict this “un-wanted tenant”, and invite a worthy companion into my mind, into my decision making, and into my life.
Que The Universal Christ
Ahh. A breath of fresh air.
I remember, some time before all of this change in my life took place, that I was gearing up to prepare myself for my participation in the Emergence of a New Christianity.
I was excited because I was seeing that a whole new altitude of consciousness was emerging from Christian circles and there was finally a space for me (and many others) to finally join the conversation. There was (and is) however still much for me to learn and shift into, but that was (and is) a part of my excitement.
So now I have purpose; now I have direction and intention.
In concert with this, I am also beginning to shift from perceiving these “unfortunate events” as not losses, but as opportunities. I want to take more seriously my function as a healer through pursuing a career, perhaps, as a counselor or psychologist. So plans to return to school are in the works.
So know that things are shifting in a good way for me. There is a lot less anxiety and more peace of mind as I move through my days. Of course there are low points. The challenges are still present; but now I feel like I am positioned to combat them in a meaningful way;
With Love.
Ryan Hauck 